Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in marauder77's LiveJournal:

Sunday, October 29th, 2006
4:35 am	Every once in awhile... Every once in awhile, people make up those stupid bullitens that point out all the stupid things in the world that are annoying. The irony however, is these posts are themselves annoying. But since this is these are myspace bullitens, and the point of them being used for anything remotely important has been long shown to be incredibly futile, since the vast majority of posts consist of "what kind of alcoholic drink are you" surveys, an assessment of your sexual ability, that consists of adding up the letters in your name. So in the sight of my competion, and the known truth that I am in fact better then all of humanity, I have decided to gift all of you bored people with a pearl of my wisdom. Please, if you have "eating sushi" as a favorite activity, change it. Now. It makes you look stupid (and I have little reason to believe otherwise). Saying that one of your favorite things to do is going out and eating sushi is the cultural equiviant of a person in Paris saying that they love eating at McDonalds. Its just cultural rape. Instead of making yourself sound multicultural or whatever it is you happened to be shooting at, I'm sure probably everyone with half a brain (just me) will see it as a halfassed attempt at being interested in things outside of your borders. If you're going to, at least pick something that people from that country would be interested in. Like sumo wrestling. Sumo kicks ass. If you don't believe me consider that they get all the hottest women, make tons of money, and they millions of people watch them. As opposed to a sushi chef, who must make slightly more then our McDonalds fry cooks. Ok, I really just wish that I was a sumo wrestler. Because then if I cut people in line, instead of having my scrawny ass kicked, if anyone looked at me funny, I would walk up to them, and engulf them with my belly. Then I would go to the all you can eat buffets. Instead of no one wanting to take me because I never eat enough that it's worth taking me, I'd eat EVERYTHING, and that would be SO kick ass. I'm sure I wouldn't have to pay, and they'd give me some awesome prize or something. Then I'd have sex with all the waitresses, and they'd let me autograph they're breasts and take pictures too. Then I could drive to the movies, but I'd get my own special seat because my ass is too wide to fit in a normal one, but when your that fat its not nasty anymore, its just that damn pimp. Then every step of the way, when a doorway isn't wide enough, or they're aren't handrails ect, I can sue EVERYONE. Then when I get to the movies, I'll make sure that when I get there, all the seats are full, and I'll pick one special child to swallow with my ass. I bet you can totally do that too. When you see me, and I'm a sumo wrestler, you better run like hell, unless you're hot, then it doesn't matter what I'll say, because you'll either have sex with me or die trying. Then I could go to the mall, and ride around in one of those scooters, like those hover-rounds the old folks have. Except I'd buy my own and have it in red chrome and get some hard core bling on it. Spinners, gold fuzzy dice, a chrome skull gear shifter with red ruby eyes, and that bouncy hydraulic things some cars have... I'd even put guns on it. Like those awesome space toy guns they have at toys are us, that have the sounds and lights, they'd be cool like that, except they could blow you up too. And if anyone asked any questions, I'd just burp, and they'd be so impressed that they'd feel worthless, and any masculinity left in them would instantly evaporate. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2006
1:16 am	Another ignorant, senceless rant. I had two exams today, and in studying abnormal psych I came across a little passage in the abnormal sexuality chapter that I will quote to the word... "The Sambia in Papua New Guinea believer semsn is an essentail substance for growth and development in young boys of the tribe. They also belive that semen is naturally; that is, the body is incapable of producing it spontaneously. Therefore, all young boys in the tribe, beginning aroung age 7, become semen recipients by engaging exclusively in homosexual oral sex with teemage boys. Only oral sexual practices are permitted; masterbation is forbidden and absent. Early in adolescence the boys switch roles and become semen providers to younger boys." "The Munda of northeast India require adolescents and children live together. But in this group both male and female children live in the same setting, and the sexual activity, consisting of petting and mutual masterbation, is all heterosexual." Around these parts, most people I know feel like they are breaking new ground and stretching sexual norms by making out with someone of the same sex. Wow. You know, that kind of reminds me on the time that I went to Jamacia on a cruise. I thought I was "culturally aware" because I read an article about Jamiaca in National Geographic. Vibrant color, wonderful food, blah blah blah. Then I get of the boat and go on a stroll of Ocho Rios. Within 5 minutes I come across all sorts of people trying to sell me every kind of drug imaginable. One women tells me a story about how much her daughter loves having sex, and asks me if I want to spend time with her, while she is sitting there in a corner. I walk down the street and people think I'm Micheal Jackson. Then I stop, turn around, and head back to the tourist area. I buy myself the motherfuckin t-shirt and dopey ass dreads, I go to McDonalds, and get ready to run back the ship, I realize exactly how white and american I really am, even if I'm not the biggest cowboy on the block. Then sitting on the deck, sipping my lemonade, I can just think to myself... America... fuck yea. You know, driving home for some reason I just started thinking... How cool it would be to go to africa or some shit, and just start conquering shit. You know, with everyone starving and stuff it seems the world just wants to just keep throwing food at them, and that somehow the billions of dollars we give to them is going to make any difference. Maybe we should reintroduce slavery. You know, it really isn't so bad. I could just save up say... 50 or so bucks, and go down to India and buy thousands of slaves. Its too easy. Not to rip off south park or anything but I just got the most awesome idea... Step one: buy millions of Indian child slaves Step two: ???? Step three: Profit! If that doesnt work, we could always just go and import slaves back to the US. It'll be just like the old days... Like when Coca-Cola actually contained cocaine... Or back when the worst thing about women and immigrants were the taxes you had to pay when you got one. Or when Heroin was used as cough medicine for children. Back when the perferred treatment for women with PMS involved using leeches to drain a pint of their blood. When the popular clothing of the day simply consisted of throwing the skin of a random endangered animal on your head... And public executions were a popular form of entertainment for the whole family... And when being a pirate was a lucrative and respectable occupation. Maybe living in the south is getting to me to the point that I'm feeling a little bit confederate, or maybe I have a repressed, cute little inner right-wing extremist trying to express himself. Dammit we are at war, is it too much to ask that we make these prisoners of war into slaves? Think of how awesome it would be to go down to wal-mart and see a sale for $49.95 Islamic extremists. Complete with explosive collars. Or maybe that would be a creative way of rescueing staving african children from certain death. I find that I can hardly even mouth the world ssssslaaave without an ear to ear smile. I want my very own Aunt Jamaima. Not like the black lady Shar-on "not Sharon" or Jaymen that work at burger king. No, the ones that have that sincere look of caring about them, that do everything you want, without even you asking, and that if they don't look sincere enough, you can beat the crap out of them. I don't think its so much of having any sort of repressed racism, as much as it is a complete lack of compassion, respect, or remorse for "my fellow human beings". I think I might even want to be a slaver. And the awesome thing about it, is since I'd have so many slaves, I could use my slaves to do the slaving work for me. Thats so kickass I think I just gave myself an orgasm thinking about it. Yes, I am soooo going to hell. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 16th, 2006
4:45 pm	Deep thoughts I was at the Castle on Friday and I saw this fairly nice looking girl dancing in front of these two neaderthals. Seems to be something thats been going around a lot lately. That girl was like really grinding into them and everything and the dude was just standing there hardly even acknowledging her existance and I was like lmao. But anyways the last couple of days out haven't been all that great. I think I'm going to cut down to just going on Saturday because going on Friday and then getting up the next day with only 6 or 7 hours sleep sucks. I get pissed off when I have to do something when I'm not good and ready. Anyways my folks JUST found out that I smoke some. I know its not good for me and even though they are cloves, it still leaves a little funky after taste after a while. I don't think I would pass a drug test that an employer might give me if by some stretch of my imagination one of those people actually ever called me back. So I smoked a little pot too, but that pisses me off, that some people are just so dead set against smoking even though if it weren't for some test no one would have any way of knowing but they do it anyways just to entertain their own prejudices. I like to smoke because it takes my mind of eating when I can't get food easy/people smelling badly, and I like to think that being able to blow smoke rings somehow contributes to my worth as a human being, and also I like to pretend I'm a train! :0) Really nothing to do with being cool stress, if anythign these days its the opposite. But I don't care if I get cancer when I'm 80, I don't want to see 90 anyways. Damn straight-edgers complaining when I smoke around them... It's like their sole existance is try and take as much happiness out of life as they can. Got a problem with it? Choo-choo-ch-fuck you. :) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
9:58 am	If you want to be happy for the rest of your life... Finals are almost over, and I'm getting ready to move back to New Port Richey for the summer. I'm starting to have my doubts that going to college was ever the right decision to make at all. In high school there is an atmosphere that puts a great deal of pressure on everyone to make healthy career choises and prepare them for college, at least when you're taking honors courses and what not, but I'm starting to feel like that just isn't what I want. Adults want their children to be successful. Thats the driving motivation in everyone's life at that stage, and it remains so for most people until the day they die. Work hard, make a lot of money, live healthy and make me proud. In school they used to give me so much encouragement. I figure they're trying to give you the push to bring out everyone's potential you know? I thought I would be some great physicist. I'd go to college for 10 years, create the next atomic bomb, the world would look up to me, and I'd be happy for the rest of my life. Now things are different. The main thing keeping me here is the unmatchable 20mpbs internet connection I'm getting, the peace of having my own room since everyone moved out because of me, and the fact that anything I might possibly need is not only within 30 seconds walking distance, but its essentially free. I haven't so much as lifted a goddamned finger for anything. The class load is very low. I only go to maybe 1/2 my classes, and rarely study and I still maintain acceptable grades. If it weren't for all the perks I think I would have dropped out by now, and now that I'm better then half way there, I might as well finish so that I can have my very expensive wall decroation. All those plans for the future back then are nothing more then a distant memory. I don't think now I'd be more motivated to anything more demanding then part-time checkout at the porn store. I don't have to do anything right now, and by my standards thats fantastic. I know I can't sustain this, but I'm doing my damnedest to maintain the status quo. It's a bit like being a rat on a sinking ship... You know, it isn't so expensive to live when you don't have to pay a morgage on your 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house and make payments on your two new cars. Maybe living in your parent's garage isn't quite so bad as people make it out to me, and add that with already owning my own car, and my living expenses pretty much come to a nice round 0. I guess thats the difference between planning your life out on paper and actually living it you know? I don't need a six figure income to give me a reason to keep breathing. It doesn't sound like much maybe, but I bet a greek aristocrat would give his ass to be able to sit around in his room all day in his underwear, watching the outer limits and eating cheesy poofs. You don't need a career to "be someone". So now the plan is work little if at all, and spend my time enjoying the finer things in life. The only problem is that in doing so I won't be able to be completely self-reliant, but what does that matter if in order to get a job I would have to sacrifice what I love most about myself, the piercings, the hair, the clothes. Life doesn't lose its meaning through not finding your "path in life", it loses it's meaning in you have to give up being and doing what you love. If you aren't going to live life on your own terms then what is the point of living at all? Enginners and scientists... It's a noble cause, and to feel like you know more then everyone really is a bit empowering, but ultimately one is as good as another, and if I'm not the great scientist that I thought I should be, well there are a million other sobs a little more misguided then me who can take my place, each as good as the other. The whole world could be doing its damnedest to inspire everyone with all the motivation and gusto to take over the world and all it takes is one little person screaming "who gives a fuck" to render it all impotent. Maybe thats the message people need to start accepting... I wonder how the world would be if we were all motivated primarily by laziness instead of greed and desire for recognition? I think society needs to dance to a little more bohemian tune anyways. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 1st, 2006
3:10 am	Do you believe in love at first sight? So the story goes, I saw this pretty cute girl at the Castle... actually more like exquisitely hot. She spent pretty much the entire time at the bar, not drinking, not talking, pretty much being bored. After a couple hours I figured that I'd be a good sport and chat to the lonely girl, so I gave her a friendly jab in the shoulder and asked if she was new here, and she just whined about how it hurt, and that if I wanted to talk, I should follow her into a dark little corner. When I looked in her eyes, and heard the sound of her voice, and drew a little closer, it felt as though gates of hell had opened up and Satan's minions decided that now would be an excellent time to pour ice cold vomit up my nose and give me a surprise treatment of electro-convulsive therapy. Nothing looked or sounded wrong, and probably any sane guy would go and follow her into that dark corner and talk all night long for sure. Just for no appearant reason, it was like love at first sight, only in reverse. So I quickly made my way away. Some people are gay, some are bi, and some are stright, and at one time or another I thought I was all of them only to find out thats not so via the method described above... I'm starting to think that I'm in a league of my own, anti-bi, and repelled by everyone. Everyone that I met at USF that has decided to befriend me I've managed to hook up with someone. Natasha, Kristin, Christina, even fucking Andrew. It's only ironic that me at the center of it all would stay completely cut off. Yeah, anti-bi fits right in on paper, but it makes for a pretty fucking lonely little man. I keep telling myself that maybe there is someone out there right for me, someone that I'll really strike a chord with but reality is sending me the message that maybe it isn't so. I'm tired of I'm sorry but I'm gay/stright/married to the 50 year old next to me. I deserve more out of my life then World of Warcraft. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
7:05 pm	I gave in. I finally quit playing Ultima Online and moved on to World of Warcraft. In UO I used to be the meanest Necro-archer PK in Minax. 1400 murder counts and growing strong. I wasn't in a guild or anything, but I was loyal to Minax since the day my char was born. The thing I miss about Ultima most was how wonderfully gratifying it was to murder people. You kill someone, they die, and all their armor and loot now belongs to you. There were times I would totally go Chuck Norris on a guild and wipe out a good 5 or 6 or of their members before returning home with as much loot as I could carry, and there were times I made stealthy assassinations right in town... Would kinda go something like this... Hey! Check out this new bow I just got off this Wyvern! *Waves a sparkling +40% dmg composite bow in the air* Then out of nowhere, an arrow strikes the bowmaster in the knee crippling him, then I rush in on horse back and cast wither, finishing off the victim and critically injuring his friend. Before his friend can call in the town guards I release a poison spike and quickly execute him. I grab the bow, and retreat back the woods on my undead steed before anyone notices, and as quickly as the attack began, it was over. To me, the value of a game is how much fun it is to be a murderer, and being a murder on Siege Perilous was for awhile the best there ever was. I rarely rattled off any text besides the occasional pwnt or lol, and more often then not my assaults ended up in retreats rather then kills, but there was so much satisfaction in murdering on Siege. Unfortunately as time went on, people started moving on to other games, and Ultima introduced patches to make the game more mundane, and instead of running off with a bag full of loot and a very angry victim, almost all their items would be blessed and I would be lucky to loot anything, not to mention that hours could go by without running into anyone. I can't say that PvP is any better on WoW, after all, I can't kill anyone in my own faction, and most people aren't even the same level as me (UO didn't have levels in chars). I can't loot anyone, and if I kill someone, they come back 20 seconds later just as if I had never killed them at all. It's a new game, and I am hopeful that this will be changed soon. I play MMORPGS to be what I can't be in real life. A cold and efficient killer. I want to be a murderer. I want to be despised. I want to be feared. I want to have to hide in the shadows and I want to kill unsuspecting victims on sight as anyone else would do the same to me. It was never done better then Siege Perilous on Ultima Online, and I feel like a part of me is still waiting in the shadows waiting to assassinate an unsuspecting hunter. Now all I can do is run around WoW and complete the millions of quests that they have, most of which are retarded. Princess patty lost her pretty pink panties, and she needs you to find them. She thinks they are in that dungeon over there... Yeah, the one filled with the dragons. Maybe if you could retrieve them for her she won't hate you quite as much for being a dirty commoner, and if you're lucky, she'll give you another quest. WoW is an infant game, and I have faith that they'll fix PvP or make a "hardcore" server where it is not quite so retarded, or that Ultima will join the 21st century and update their damned game so that people will play again. Either that or I might just get pissed off and go play non-source CounterStrike like I've been doing since 1996. You will be missed... (Comment on this)
Monday, April 10th, 2006
9:33 am	The greatest feeling ever. Well, this last Saturday at the Castle, around 1 am it started raining. It was really coming down, not quite the infamous Florida monsoons, and not much lightning, but it was raining enough to get you soaked if you were out there for more then a minute. It was quite hot inside the club, but rain was a bit cold, cold enough so that when drops hit you, you could feel the coldness where each drop just was, but only for a second. But still, I was burning with energy, so I could cut right through it. The downstairs dance floor was outside and its normally empty, but a bunch of people went down there and started dancing in the rain. I'm normally get really hot inside that club, and even without a shirt, and sucking on a mouthful of ice the entire time, it is difficult for me to dance for longer then a couple songs without overheating, but outside like that? If everything wasn't like that, I would have been frozen and miserable, but just how everything came together like that, it just felt so magical. For a few minutes it was like man, technology, and nature worked in accord and for a short while created something so perfect. The dancing, the music, and the water, I really felt like something was moving through me down there. It isn't often that everything can come together like that to make such a golden moment, but when they happen I don't think they can ever be forgotten. Well, anyways, a minute later they had to shut it off the music and close the dance floor because all the equiptment was getting wet. :[ I suppose that sometimes it is best it keep such things rare unless it gets taken for granted. Oh well... anyways I went back in and in 2 minutes I went from soaked to bone dry, and then I find myself questioning if something so perfect ever happened at all. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 16th, 2006
10:28 pm	My darkness Well, spring break is almost over for me, and now I'm wondering where it all went to... I had planned to spend most of it with my friends but instead I spent it without having talked to a single person. I become completely nocturnal. I go to sleep around 8am and get up around 6. I haven't seen sunlight till today when I had to visit my family. There are a lot of reason I think I do it... There's no people, and I guess that I can use it as an excuse of sorts to myself not to talk to anyone. I don't know why things are this way. Saturday at the Castle, as the place was closing this rather large woman in her 30's wanted to dance with me. I turned her down and said that I was tired, and she shouted at me and said "THATS CUZ YOU'RE A FAG!" and stormed off. Someone asshat knocked on my dorm door in the middle of the night last night and asked me if I wanted to go to his party and have some vodka, and I slammed the door at him... for being an asshat. That's the only social contact I had last week. I was going to get my tattoos done, but Amy was sick so I had to put it off. I'm going to try and find a dremel and soldering iron to do some crafty work with my old glasses, but I haven't gotten around to it yet, and I found out that I can go on a cruise with my folks in may, because I am out of class 2 days before. I remember how last cruise was. It was nice, but just so horribly empty. I wish that I just had someone that could go with me so I didn't feel so....alone. On one had, it's great. I don't bother with people. Period. I don't tell anyone anythough outside my rare myspace bullitin confessions, and I don't have to have to suffer though the drivel that comes from other people except from the rare, and usually foul encounters such as those above. Experiences like that just make me feel so bitter towards everyone. When I'm alone at night... it feels almost euphoric. Almost as if... this is MY darkness. But when I look back, at how I've spent my time. True, I live better then most people. I have better things, and I have all my time to myself, but when you look back and see that it was all alone it just feels so...empty. Theres a lot that I can do to keep my mind off of things. Such can happen when you feel like the man who has everything, but sometimes I wonder if I even really exist, and that if I disappear tomorrow... Will anyone miss me or.... Will anyone even notice? True, things aren't all that bad for me. I go to the Castle every week and when I am there I feel like as if I am loved by all. The way people look at me, the way they talk to me and try to get me to notice them... Maybe they are just the same as me, except they can't dance so well, or they don't have their youth, who knows? But now it's like I have people on hold that I would probably shoot myself a couple of years ago just to get to notice me. I've learned a lot since then. It's not about that anymore. Like when you were in high school and the larger your girl's tit's were then the bigger your balls were. Part of me is afraid. I'm afraid of change like this, and I'm afraid that I might lose a part of myself. And then I feel like I don't connect with them either. Not like I like you and you like me, but the kinds of questions like do you really appreciate me for who I am or I am just that goth guy? And then part of me just feels overwhelmed by it all and wants to hide, and then maybe my darkness is no more then my security blanket. I just feel like all this time alone has made me feel so distant from everyone else. There are some ups, there are some downs, but more then anything, its the little things that really hurt. I never went to any of my proms or homecomings. I spent valentines day playing doom 3 and eating beef jerky, and instead of kissing anyone for New Years I was getting all gothed out as Princess Sophia. Sure, that might be cooler to then anything that anyone else was doing, but that doesn't change that fact that you were always, and are always....alone. When I was younger, even if I never dated, at least I always had someone that I liked. Someone who I'd think about at night, or would try to steal glances at in class. Now I'm afraid that I don't even have that much anymore. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 8th, 2006
9:53 am	Shit I'm having an allergic reaction right now. I figured out for sure that is what it is. My body is covered in hives. I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to make a mad dash to Wal-Mart for some calamine lotion and antihystimine pills. I took a pill and drenched myself in calamine lotion much like that one chicken pox episode of South Park. If this gets any worse I'll have to make a mad dash to the hospital or call for an ambulance. Where are friends when you need them? I don't have a very good idea what it could possibly have been that would make me react out of the blue like that... Maybe it was from the animals that were around me at Jessica's when we all slept over. I'm washing all the stuff that I had there just to make sure. (Comment on this)
8:36 am	IT ITCHES!!! It started after I came back from the Castle. I must have had an allergic reaction to something but I have no idea what. Every inch of my body iches. I have hives all over me. I just want this to go away. I WANT THE ITCHING TO GO AWAY!!! I've never itched this bad in my life. It is absolutely maddening. Even a cool shower didn't help. I scalded myself with hot water and that made it go away for a little while. I know it makes it worse to scratch but I just can't help it. I want to die the itching is so bad. Anything to make it stop. Even my scalp and belly button are itchy. I can't even leave the house to get calamine lotion. I can't relax or think or anything. The only thing I can do is try and meditate and try to transcend it with the good old mind over matter. I can clear my mind anywhere but this is testing my limits. (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
2:52 am	New Year's reflections You know, I think this past year of my life has been better then the entire rest of my life put together, but that isn't to say that it's been perfect. I think the greatest influance in my life would have to be those wonderful people at the Castle. The lesson I learned in life was...err.... well its hard to put into a simple sentence so I'll just have to make a little story out of it. Children, when they are young usually dream of being a president or having some really nice job or something like that. My entire life was essentially a facade in which I tried to convince myself and other people that I was a ideal person. Clean, sharp, and I tried (miserably) to be normal. Parents and society try to imprint into everyone that they *need* to be successful. Making good grades and having good behavior makes you a better person right? All my life that is what I did and it wasn't till last year that I realized that wasn't going to make me happy. So now I started acting on impulse. I've expressed myself creatively in my appearance and actions with absolutely no thought in mind about the future, or women, or jobs, or anything like that. I realized that there is absolutely no need to take anything that anyone else does when making your own decisions. I don't need to dress like everyone else, I don't need to dance like anyone else, I don't have to do shit unless I want to and I am going to do it exactly the way I feel like it. And when I took that i, it was like I suddenly became better at everything. When someone tries to mimic someone else, not only will it not be "the real you", but you'll be taking someone else's ideas and trying to apply them to yourself, and always they will never come out good because it will never be natural and fluid because it is not yours, and the person you stole it from will always be superior at it then you... Not sure if I'm making much sence here... You kind of have to embrase your own mortality to live like that. You have to realize that life isn't perfect. You will make mistakes. You will get old. You will die. So to try to live your life according to some aspirations of perfection is a fickle conquest. All the chances I didn't take, all the dances that I didn't go to, all the people I didn't talk to, none of it did me a damn bit of good, and now I feel almost as if that entire portion of my life that I spend grooming myself to be "successful" was a waste. When I got pierced up and dyed my hair and did all that other fun stuff that employers would never want to touch me with a 20 foot pole for, it felt as if someone lifted a gigantic wieght off my chest. I saw a man today at the airport coming down from Reno. He was dressed in a suit and looked like he was on his way to some important businuss meeting or something. I tried saying "hi". He ignored me. I talked about him RIGHT behind his back to my family making sure that he could hear everything that I was saying. I was joking about how he must be pimpin and calling him papa brownslackes. He continued to ignore me. I finally ran right up in his face and said HI!!!, and he nodded his head. I tried to make converstation with the complete stranger and he gave me at best one word responces while the rest of my family looked at me like I was an alien from another planet that was ripping his guts out. I felt as if that man wasn't only miserable, but that he was somehow able to convince himself that his being succesful and working for a good company made him happy, and that a veil of extreme corporatism and professionalism should cover not only his personality but all his social interactions. Hmm well I guess I kind of strayed a LITTLE off topic there, but as I was saying about embrasing your own mortality and all... I became passively suicidal, and I think that is the secret to happiness. I just kind of made that up, passively suicidal, but I'd describe it as always driving in the fast lane, skating on the thinnest ice... When you are passivly suicidal you aren't afraid of taking chances. It's like you are almost daring fate to come and take your life away. Maybe it's a mental illness or something but for me it is how I come to terms with my own mortality. Life isn't about working, or money, or looking good to other people. It's about taking chances, doing stupid shit, and laughing your ass off about it. Even if the worst case scenario happens, the girl rejects you, your dyed hair didn't come out the right color, you sprained your ankle snowboarding... it is better then sitting in a corner watching and letting life pass you by. However, still, my year wasn't perfect. It was missing something. My life is missing a huge something. All this time and I've never had a decent relationship. Nothing even close to it. I've passed up so many opportunities in that regard. I turned down a lot of people, and I've ignored a lot of people. I've been so focused on what I was doing that I didn't even give anyone other then myself the slightest thought, and now when I see people together I feel like I am missing out. When someone did show interest in my I would always shoot them down for some absolutely trivial reason. They're "fat", they can't dance, I don't like their hair, etc. It's the last of that childish perfectionism that doesn't want to die. It makes about as much sence as what I was saying before about living life as though you would never die. Maybe it was good that I haven't been reckless in that regard. Maybe if I had, I would be running around alone anyways, having much less respect from other people, and having caught some disease(s), and as much as I have let loose lately, I still have trouble rationalizing that it might be good to ease up and take the chance of catching something. I'd still not that passively suicidal to be able to catch herpes or something and tell myself that gee, wasn't that fun? However on the same token, I don't want to live the rest of my life having this hole in my life that social interaction is supposed to be. It didn't think about it before. I never really minded the loneliness, but now looking back I think that it was pointless to not have taken up on some of those opportunities. So that I guess that should be my New Year's resolution. During the next year I want to find a *good* person, and be in a quality, emotional, sexual, long term (at least a month) relationship. I have a few guys in mind and a couple girls... It will be very difficult for me though. Everyone I know is very experienced and I don't want to feel like just another person in line. Maybe I just need to stop worrying and let it come naturally... Maybe I just need to find "the right" person. Maybe I just need to take another dose of passive suicide and scream carpe diem and jump at it. Everyone I would even consider dating goes to the Castle. That place runs a monopoly on my social life. It's hard for me to relate to people at USF, but I'm worried that some those people get around and might have something, and I'm worried that I might not be able to handle the stress... In any case, I've really got my work cut out for me! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
1:19 am	New Port Richey sucks! New Port Richey sucks! My God the scene here is WEAK! Tampa has spoiled me with the Castle. A little green bunny told me that the Downtown Lounge was cool so I went there and I saw a few rednecky bikers in dirty grey wife beaters and then the little green bunny told me that I should hoppity hoppity hop hop hop away. Maybe I just went on the wrong night... Maybe it isn't always quite so bad... So I went out instead and randomly drove around. I always get so philosophical driving around randomly in the middle of the night. I usually like to drift off around Anclote beach. The roads there are just so remote and peaceful. I feel like I am searching fo something here. I wonder what everyone else must be doing... I think about Joe Blow... The asshole guy that is always wearing the blue jeans, the red t-shirt, and the backwards Nike baseball cap. Now where I am from, Joe Blow commands a good amount of respect, he has a lot of friends, but the fact is that I think he is a douchebag and I don't like him. Now in Tampa I am surrounded by Joe Blows, I hate talking about "gothicness" because it just sounds so shallow and stupid, but there is a strong Gothic community in Tampa. We have our group and we can keep Joe Blow out, not that Joe Blow wanted to have anything to do with us anyways. I like having around those girls wearing the PVC bondage outfits. I like shooting shit with the guys with the giant deathhawks, and when I see Peterpan doing his little fairy dance, and I see The Senator wearing women's panties and shaking his thing without a care in the world, I believe that I too don't have anything to worry about, and I am reminded that the world is not some showcase where you have to put on a show for everyone. Now where does Joe Blow fit into this picture? Well, in Tampa, we don't give a shit about Joe Blow, but in New Port Richey, Joe Blow is the hottest guy in town. Why? Because the guys with the giant deathhawk and the girls sporting their PVC and black lace went missing in action, and as for everyone else? Well, middle aged overwieght rednecks wearing dirty grey wifebeaters filled in the spot of Joe Blow. So now Joe Blow is Mr. Fabulous. Not that I have anything against these people, but they are just the makeup of the people here, and I can't stand it. I think that people are like dirt. If you put a little dirt in a pile, maybe in a few hundred years there will be a rock in the middle (which is metaphorically better then the dirt), and if you have enough dirt, maybe the pressure and the presence of so much dirt and rocks will make some gemstones appear... Well... I don't know where I am going with this except that I am starting to go starry eyed from looking at so much dirt that I don't even want to talk to the people and I simply want to pass them off as all the same because I am so disappointed with the results I am getting from people around here. I want to take all the dirt and wash it away, and I want something more then Joe Blow. So when I drive around in the middle of the night I wonder to myself that surely there must be more people like me? Where would they be, and surely there must be something out there for me... Some secret hide out, some kickass group of people. Maybe at the beach, maybe in some club, maybe out in the middle of nowhere, they are there, making some great big bonfire perhaps, talking to each other about their philosophies and showing off their latest body modifications before rolling up a joint and doing a suspension. Like a group of "gothic" people dedicated to exploring the physical and spirtual limits of the mind and body through body modication, fire walking, meditation, drugs, sex and any other shit I can't think of right now, normal people are too busy watching television, going to church, drinking beer, and manning the registers at Wal-Mart to care about anything so stupid as that I guess... Maybe it is self-destructive. Maybe nothing good can come of it at all, but ultimately we are all going to die, and the work and shit we did to try and convince ourselves that we were somehow living a good and productive life will in the end all evaporate away, and in a few hundred years the only thing that will even hint at a trace of our existance will be some historical buildings and a display at the museum. So why not try and understand yourself while you are visiting? Maybe you'll have a good time while you are at it! I suppose at this point I am just spewing semi-philsophical raw sewage. The arguement is a bit like intelligent life on other planets. Theres a lot of planets out there, one of them has to be a bit like me... I can't be alone in the universe...can I? That is certainly how I feel driving around in the middle of the night here by myself. I look forward and see only the few feet of road illuminated by my headlights, and behind me there is only darkness. That sounds like a pretty damn good metaphor for my life doesn't it Mr. I-am-alone-in-the-world? Why, I believe it does! (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
9:47 pm	Beneath the surface Why do I have to be so terrible with people? It is like people expect me to be able to deal with people better then everyone else just because I am well liked within a certain group. Being popular doesn't mean that I can deal with people's desires and emotions like any asshole off the street. The difference between me and them is that those people are able to tell people what the want to hear and get that the want from women. The persue people, and well, I don't think I know that much about most people to generalize further then that, but what about me? People get the impression that I can do social gymnatics when it comes to people, and I get come on and harassed, and well, I really don't know how to handle it. Maybe its just people's way of telling me that they like me, and even when I like them back physically, I don't know how to deal with it and they always make me feel scared and intimidated. There is absolutely no reason why someone like me should be intimidated by a boy who I could probably knock over with a whisper, or a girl who might have their feelings hurt by a poorly struck glance. But somehow I am. On the outside I always have to try and be the most well liked and the most attractive person (at least in my opinion), but really its just like a defence mechanism for me. I want to be strong and good looking on the outside because I am weak and childish on the inside. I don't even really feel like I really know who I am. People think that bisexuals are slutty people that are driven by desire as far as people are concerned, but I don't know if I am really attracted to anyone. I don't really draw much distinction. I just feel so vunerable around people and distrustful of them that I just have a hard time forming any real attachment to any of them. It is said that no man is an island, and that everyone needs someone else to confide in and have as a support structure. But being around people for me only reminds myself of my own shortcomings... I wish that people could just be a little simpler when it comes to these things. Sociological politics... I'm just not good with dealing with it. Being alone is like being out in the cold. The cold makes me feel physically and mentally lethargic and tired, but yet I feel that I am granted a sence of concentration and inner peace. It's hard for me to put words to it. Time goes by and everything eventually gets old and wears away. I really just wish that things didn't have to be like this. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
9:57 pm	Data log entry 10-7-2056 Goddammit I hate the new jumpships. I don't see what was so bad about the old Suyoz rockets that we used to use before except that they didn't use those bes-rods that everyone is raving about... The whole thing just seems like a huge waste to me. They don't even bother igniting the hydrogyn now. All they do is bust the caps off a few of the rods and let the force of the hydrogyn blowing out shoot the thing up. They say it makes it safer, but I think they're just doing it because the guys at dev were too cheap and lazy to bother putting an engine in the thing. At least the Suyozes rode smooth and half the people on board didn't vomit their guts on out them! Not to mention that after takeoff, the jumpship started to shake like we were having an earthquake or something. I'm surprised they even put seatbelts on them, not that they would do any good in a 20,000 mph crash... At least that the piece of crap didn't fall apart on the way up like I thought it would... I'm so glad to be off that damned thing and on the shuttle station. Now I just need to find which of these little bastards goes to Io and I'll be on my way. No transmissions are allowed from the shuttle though, we have to be suspended to keep from being torn by the g-force... Not to sound like a broken record, but I think they're just too cheap to stop making like their in such a goddamned hurry for everything. After all, I'd hate to waste a couple weeks of the Hive's time enjoying my trip to Io... Well at least the shuttles aren't as bad as the jumpships... I'll talk to you when I get to Io. Maybe I'm just a little to negative, after all, When I got out of tech school in '20 I would have never guessed that I would have a management position in one of the Hive's biggest offworld projects... Hehe, talk about a glorified plumber! :P (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
8:43 pm	Data log 10-6-2056 OMG, I just checked my e-mail, and I receieved a notice from our hive that I was will be head of engineering at the coolant facility on Io. I'm so excited, I can't wait to finally transfer out of this dump! What do you say we go and party like its 1999? Congradulations! You have been selected to volunteer for a position at the Hive's supercapicitor plant on Io! Our supercapacitior plant is the prize of the Hive's hard work and dedication! To keep up with demand for compact, safe, powerful, and clean forms of energy that are required for life in the 21st century, we have developed the hydrogen bose-einsteium supercapasitor, or as our constituants are fond of calling them, bes rods! The bes rods are capable of storing power for mobile, portable appliances and other high drain media for months at a time without the need for recharge! A virtually infinite supply of power is produced as Io passes through Jupiter's ionosphere as it orbits as well as from Io's volcanic surface that we are just now beginning to exploit for its huge geothermal potential. We then harness this energy to produce and condence huge quantities of hydrogyn into bes rods, and then ship bes rods back to Terra. Common applications for this technology include automobiles, military sentries, satillite systems, power extraction plants, and all other portable electronics and robotics. We here at the Hive strive to stay at the forefront of innovation and techology and we proudly welcome you to join us in our quest to enhance the lives of our 1.5 billion constituants and help them succeed in life in Terra and throughout the universe! Thanks to supercapacitor applications, we are working to move all power production facilities from Terra to Io. This helps us to protect our environment and natural resources and also allows us to keep up with the Hive's increasing demand for power! You are to report to the the nearest jumpship station at 1600 for departure, and as always, we are thankful to have you in our service! We look forward to your arrival! *Newsletter* Contruction on the anti-matter production facility on Io 47' 58' is going smoothly so far. However, due to the low efficiency of anti-matter production and its extremely dangerous nature, we are limiting it's production and use. However, the increased energy capacity and simplicity of energy extraction of antimatter is useful in military endevours and may prove to be valuable for interplanetary/interstellar travel. Also, we would like to give a special thanks to the section 8 food prep specialists at Io for their exceptional food and excellent safety record. 183 days with no accidents! Great job FP Sec 8! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
10:59 am	Data log entry: 10-5-2056 One of my buddies down at sector 4 informed me that he heard at the board meeting that the regional director from human resources was considering me for a promotion to head the engineering department over at the coolant facility on Io. Although working at the supercapacitor processing plant over there seems like a very lucrative job that can very easily lead to further career advancement, I don't like the prospect of having to leave Terra. But with my wife just heard that she is expecting our first child this May, so I really can't afford to pass this opportunity up. I just hope that she doesn't worry so much that it effects her health. All these reports about natural gas explosions and radiation leaks on broadcast really aren't going to rest to well on her... Add to that the fact that the previous head engineer had to have his leg amputated after one of the coolant pipes ruptured from being overheated. I try not to worry about it too much though, after all, its better then maintaining pipes for sector 4b waste management. I'd do anything to finally get the hell out of here, and add to that, I'll be on 6 month rotations, so that once I'm out, I'll have plenty of time to spend some time with my wife and the new baby. You've always been my best friend, and I've always loved having you around, but if this oppunity comes my way, I'll have to accept. But hey, you can always call me up on intercast, though it would probably be best that you just write entries rather then call since calls to Io aren't as cheap as they used to be. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
6:40 pm	A little quiz... 1.Your Full Name: 2. Age: 3. Fave Color: 4. Fave Movie: 5. Fave Song: 6. Zodiac Sign: 7. Most Embarassing Moment: 8. Are you a virgin? HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ... 1. Are we friends? 2. Do you have a crush/attracted to me? 3. Would you kiss me? 4. ...with tongue? 5. Would you enjoy it? 6. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you out? 7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater? 8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you? 9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick? 10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before? 11. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me? 12. Do you talk crap about me? 13. Do you think I'm a good person? 14. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)? 15.Do you think I'm Hot? 16. Would you call me just because? 17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they dont involve you? 18. If you could change anything about me, would you? 19. Would you date me? 20. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out? 21. On a scale of 1 - 10 wut would you rank me? 22. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? (Comment on this)
Monday, January 26th, 2004
8:20 pm	My real (and better) journal is here My journal is at http://xanga.com/marauder77 Xanga is way better bc i can do HTML coding! (1 Comment |Comment on this)